Journal Time!

Friends or Secretly Always Hates You? | September 23, 2023

So. I've moved in. Now what do I do?

Well, of course I made friends. This is what everyone does. This is what I wanted to do. It's just sometimes I can't tell if they really are... friends? Oh I don't know. But you do.

I just, really like physical intimacy. I would go so far as to say I love it. I love it a lot, actually. I miss it so much. I want to give all of the lovely people hugs and kisses and snuggles. I think they should feel warm and happy and nice. I want to feel that way, too...

It's just that sometimes I wonder if anyone else feels like that. I don't know if anyone else really cares. I feel like everyone is still working off of the understanding that people just don't do that sort of thing with each other unless you're really close and really committed and actually love each other in the romantic sense. I want to love people every which way.

I hugged a suitemate of mine today. I have hugged her before, but... it felt weird this time. It felt like I didn't really... deserve it? Like I was an interloper on her life and her body and why did she let me do that? I still feel on the inside that maybe she didn't want to. I know I'm overthinking it. How could I stop though?

She said she "wasn't used to physical intimacy." Does that mean I should stop it? Is this kind of thing sustainable? Am I being greedy? Is this relationship reciprocal? I don't know anymore. I want it to stop hurting, but every time I embrace someone, it's like it just hurts even more.

I want to get closer, but I'm so scared of hurting them. It's like we're hedgehogs with sharp quills that hurt when we grow close... oh wait a minute.

Why does it always come back to this?

Sometimes you need a little wishful thinking just to keep on living.

- Misato Katsuragi, Neon Genesis Evangelion