Journal Time!

Appreciation | April 23, 2023

I wish people would appreciate me. I don't really know what's going through people's minds. I feel it's because they never tell me. What do my friends think of me? Do they like me? What do they like about me? What about me irritates them? What do they wish I didn't do?

Should I be content with the nothing most people seem to give? I can't fucking tell, dude. Can other people tell? I don't understand why other people are so content with the silence. Maybe they're picking up something that I don't have. Is this what insecurity is? Is this a bad thing? I'm not entirely sure.

I don't know if what I'm doing is right. I don't know if I need to change, or should change, or if I can stay the way I am. I feel malleable; I just need a shape to form into. Won't someone give it to me?

Is it too much to ask? I don't really know what I'm doing. I've always looked to what other people thought of me, or surrounded myself in people that thought kindly of me. Teachers, partners, friends, anyone that could pierce the silence and give me the validation I so desperately craved. I reckon it's why I tried so hard in school. I reckon it's why I loved the people I did so much. I reckon it's why I do the things I do.

Is that normal? I don't get how some people are so confident. Do people gas them up in turn, or are they so sure of themselves that they don't need it? Does it make me needy if I need it?

I feel so bad about the little feedback I do get, because it's mostly negative. I don't know which way people want me to go. I get that it's a little obsequious but I don't just assume any which form. I choose closer to the form that makes me the most appreciative, open-minded, rational, and caring person I can be. I tend towards those things and I only need the feedback to zero in on it. I know a little of what my people should look like. I know a few of them, in fact. So why do they hold their silence?

Maybe I'm just needy. I wish I could be so strong as to love without fear, but... I can't muster up the strength. Something stops me from reaching out with my eyes closed; I'm scared that the creature on the other end might bite.

I used to love singing. I never thought I was particularly bad at it. People started saying that it sucked, though. Toby said it. My sister said it. Now, I don't feel good singing at all, even to myself. I had that joy taken from me. Could that be a bad thing? Is it wrong to look back towards others to have confidence replaced inside of me?

I can't do this alone. I don't know if I should find someway out.

I think that all you ever really ever wanted was a reason to complain

That never stopped you before, don't let it get in your way

- Birds Don't Sing, TV Girl